first

First family meeting day with the ED therapist. 

That's all I can really say right now. No real thoughts there.

and more

We found a pile of clothes hidden in her room. A pile of clothes that had "messes" in them. It was obvious she found her way into something to help her go to the bathroom. She is supposed to eat in front of us, so she found a way for it not to stick around. I don't keep things like that in the house. So the question is does she have a friend involved or did she get her hands on something? I'll get to all of that after I tell you about the confrontation.

I had taken clothes into her room she got for Christmas, clean ones to put away. I smelled something, a mess. Did one of the dogs get in there? It I found it after moving things around. There were several pairs of shorts, underwear, sweats. She was obviously embarrassed. So we gathered it all up, while also emptying all her drawers, closet to see what she was hiding. I found no drugs or laxatives. Nothing else of note, her room was in the middle of her floor. She collapsed in a pile and cried, just tears. All she could say is she was so ashamed. It was a reaction of a kid who just got caught, again. 

I took the dirty clothes, whiteout mentioning I thought this was self-inflicted, and left her to totally overhaul her room. She had to clean it totally.

It hit me, I do have something in the house, something that I never would have thought of, but it says it right on the package. Epsom Salt. 

She has access to Epsom Salt. Her sister takes baths for her arthritis. I soak when my back acts up.

 I quietly broke down into a million pieces inside.

She isn't just dabbling. 

She isn't just testing the waters.

I didn't catch this early.

She's serious.

Not that I didn't know that or think she was, it just hits you like arctic air. You're child is so desperate, she's drinking water and epsom salt. 

I put the Epsom Salt out of her reach and now I'm monitoring her laundry. Which turned into a freak out. She felt the need to throw her underwear in my face, at one point. We're having temper and emotion issues. This is to be expected. She's on meds for her anxiety but it's only been about four weeks, we need to up the dosage. It's a learning curve. 

I called the Doctor and the specialist today, we will see what we're doing next. I'm asking the specialist if there is anyone she knows of that will work with us, on our side of town. They also have satellite locations, so if it's an option to see someone versed in ED at the one near us. I don't need a specialist, just experience even. 

As for her eating overall? 

The night after the visit to the specialist visit she didn't eat. She didn't eat anything of worth for two days. Then I told her that wasn't an option. I had my surgery, so I'm not sure how the other meals went for a few days. Break started and I know she tried to snack (during all this we found the clothes). There has been a lot of snacking and picking, or complaining about spices, taste. It's back to square one, in my opinion. 

That's the update for now. 

it's been a bit.

(I don't edit most of these, my thoughts stream and I just type. If that drives you insane, sorry. I need my outlet to be free.)

Where do I begin? The appointment.

I don't think I was ever so angry in this entire process as I was after leaving the hospital. I've been trying to process and formulate my thoughts since then.

When we arrived at the hospital she went in one room with a medical doctor and I went into a room with the therapist. The therapist asked me several questions, that were on the questionnaire but not listening to my explanations. Yes, she has a heart murmur. Yes, there is a history of ED in the family (both sides). Do you want to know who has it and what ED?

In the middle of all of this the medical DR interrupts us and calls her out into the hall. They were gone for about ten minutes. Med DR comes back into the room and sits down next to me, adjusts her chair so she's sitting higher than me, claps her hands together (so loudly I jump) and says, "Well, I'm getting TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORIES!"

ummm duh. Pretty sure this isn't your first rodeo and that's how this works. We will have two different stories, right?
My mood changed instantly. I had a zero comfort level from then on.
She was contentious, She talked over me. Everything I said, she had an answer for. She asked me questions, but answered them herself. She informed me that She was the professional and our doc and therapist wasn't pros in ED.
She was in and out in less than five minutes.
So far we'd been there a total of thirty minutes and our appointment was almost over. I was originally told to be prepared for about three hours.
Keep in mind ten minutes of that I was alone in a room while they chatted in a hallway.
The therapist came back in the room with kiddo. They had chatted and apparently formulated their plan. They think "all is well" and she just needs to "touch base" now and again. She can do a weight check with her regular doc, blah blah blah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

So we have two professionals, a school, her parents concerned but this chick who saw her for five minutes is done?

Kiss my ass.

She looked extremely satisfied though.

I mean, my trump card was just beaten down. She won.


I didn't want to discuss a lot in from of her, so I waited until we got home to call her Doctor, my husband and the therapist. (also assorted friends)

Dad was pissed, "Eff em and on to the next one."
Dr was floored. He couldn't believe the response we had. Neither could the therapist. The Dr was calling and emailing the other Dr asap. I was having surgery though and didn't know if we'd hear back before then.


A therapist in the same department called to set up treatment the following day. I told her my experience ... and she sent me a list of therapists.

I think my message was also relayed to the Doctor.

Flash forward to Christmas Eve.

I still had no voice but our Doc called and the doc had finally gotten in touch with him. Upon reflection, she realized she may have come off offensive. She thought that I may have been upset.



Uhhh really?

Yes, she does have an ED, yes she needs treatment. She's sorry if she didn't convey that properly.

Don't say things like, "two different stories" like I'm a kook.




While he was leaving a message she also left one. I'll be calling her tomorrow.

more to come ... there's a lot more.

Today

Off to the hospital for intake and eval. I don't babe it in me to do an entire post yet. It's a lot to process. 

limbo

We're still waiting for a call back from the ED clinic. We had one message, I returned it, nothing for three days. I'm getting extremely frustrated. All the while her current therapist has returned a call in two days.  We have updates from her PCP, she needs to talk to someone about her frustrations, anxiety and stress. She's holding steady at her current weight, not losing, not gaining. Time. 

Stress. School crap is stressing her. There is one girl who just is a mean, mean girl to any girl in her path. She's delightful to the boys though. She sends texts about the other girls saying they're fat, sluts, stupid, etc. She's delightful. She admitted the girl has excluded her on purpose from things during projects in class. I tried talking to one of the parents involved and she doesn't want to talk to her daughter because it's not "authentic" if it comes from her.  Our kids were extremely close before the third party was jealous and started the exclusion.  I know this parent well, that's why we were talking in the first place. The kid who is doing all this? Her parents don't speak any English so I can't call them. She has a very strict home life, she gets it all out at school. 

She's talking to someone she trusts at school today. I hope she gets a little clarity. 

the funny thing ...

The funny thing is when people try to help you get a lot of so called advice that really isn't helpful. Friends, or well meaning advice given by those who think they're helping, can say harmful things. I've started a collection of things I like to call "Things not to say to the parent of someone with an eating disorder."

"She's already so thin, WHY?" (She wanted the totally sunken cheeks)

"Were normal diets not working?" (I guess not. You figured out the riddle after all these years."

"She doesn't look like someone who would do that to herself." (what does that person look like, explain.)

"Why did her parents do/you do to cause that?" (well, aside from the abuse? Not much.)

"Are you sure this isn't a phase for attention?" (that must be it we totally ignore her.)

"Just make them eat, you are the parent." (I wish I'd thought of that, thanks!)

"They look so sick, just fix it." Oh, okay, will do!)

"I wish I had her willpower, I sure could lose a few pounds." (no, no you don't. That's the worst one to say possibly. My kid is starving herself and purging, it's not willpower, it's a disease)

"I've seen them eat recently, I'm sure it's fine." (You did? I guess we're all wrong!")

"They look great though." (bony and emaciated is great?)

"Are you sure?" (yes, that's what the doctor's evaluation was for)

"At least you caught it early." (did we? I don't know.)

Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I would fix it if I could. If I could make her eat I would. If I could make her stop purging I would. I'm her mom, she's part of my flesh, blood and soul. I'd give my life for her. I would take away her pain and help her figure out all of this. In a flash.

I know enough to know not to blame myself. It doesn't mean I don't at times. I know enough to know that she's finding one thing she can control. I also know that unless you also are the parent of a child who has experienced this, you don't have words for me.

I appreciate those of you who are there. Those who don't fill me up with false hope. Those who are just there.


While all of these are well-meaning,  I do find comfort in your words. I'm just a different breed. I like it black and white.  I don't want the sugarcoating. Just keep it simple and listen to me. Tell me you're here and that you care, if you do that is. I have my moments where I do really need people.

progress?

We met with the her therapist today and she cried quite a bit. She admitted a few of the stress causing situations that may lead to some of the behaviors. There's a group of "mean" girls she was friends with and quit hanging out with them, on her own. She didn't want to be a mean girl. It eats at her that she can't change them into "nice" girls. We had a discussion about controlling her situation and herself. She can't control the entire world, only her reaction to the assholes IN the world. She also stresses about grades so much, to the point that I wish she didn't know what her grade are.

As of right now she has an evaluation at the ED clinic mid-dec. Her Doc will try and get her in earlier, but it doesn't look promising.

Kids in crisis is such a funny term. Crisis has no timeline. Crisis has a different meaning for everyone. I guess her crisis can wait a few weeks.

My concern is the holiday. The stress of finals and the holiday. I feel like these will be triggers. She's in "limbo" though because of her age and she isn't "too far along". So she should be starving before we take action? There aren't a lot of options for her age, either.

I'm frustrated.