twisting

That describes my stomach. We talk to her tonight. Therapy plan in order. She tried to avoid breakfast this morning. Again. I just ... sigh. I'm trying to gather my thoughts. I hope I can in time to write a fluid post later.

overload

I have so much to do today and I can't even begin to get a handle on it. One interview to transcribe and submit, grocery shopping, random errands and crap. One thing I want to do is get a few cheap pumpkins and do the seeds tonight. The girls also asked if we can bake tonight. Why not? Weekend of baking. Cookies freeze well, so it sounds like a plan.
We had a decent night, not terrible, not great. I made meatloaf, she picked at it, criticized it, but ate some. I pick my battles. A few bites in is better than no bites in. I count the good things over the bad.

void

Just spoke to the therapist. My husband and I meet with her next Tuesday to set our plan for kiddo. Her words to me, "You're so in tune, you need to remember to remove yourself and be tough."
It's true. I have been, for the most part. I still can't use trigger words. I think that's the hardest part. I want to yell trigger words sometimes.
I spoke to a mom yesterday who has gone through this with both of her daughters. It was comforting, therapeutic, and disheartening all in one call. Comforting to know I'm not alone. Therapeutic to get it all out to someone who has and is dealing with  the same issues. Disheartening to know the road is is on going. It's not that I can't or don't want to do it, it's that my heart hurts for her.

layers

It's been a rough few days,  coming to a head this morning. She has this sweater she seems to be obsessed with wearing at least three times a week. It's one a friend of mine game her. Seasons old from old navy, holes in it, bulky, pilled, ugly. She loves it.
They're cooking in home ec and she can't wear a sweater or a hoodie. She wanted to wear the sweater today. She can't, they need to wear tighter things, so they they are safe.  She yelled at her sister about it even. She tried to wear it, again. The thing is, she used to love fashion. She loved getting her nails done, hair, doing make up, putting outfits together. Now she has no interest. None. She even stopped wearing the makeup she begged me to wear.
I digress, this sweater, the bane of my existence, broke her this morning, she fought over it. She knew it would break the rules. She loves rules, but didn't care.  This isn't the child I know. She hates brushing her teeth and washing her hair. It's all a tangled web.
I just want to pull my little girl out of it.

melt and down

She took a pop quiz and got a D. We had hysterics and tears for about ten minutes, possibly longer. This brings down her 99 to a 98, it's that insignificant. She's freaking out. She's asked the teacher for a retest, and she can't since it's a pop quiz. She needs to feel in control. She's not. Tonight, this weekend, could be ugly.
sigh.

lull

Just a quick one this morning. We had a battle over three mini pancakes for breakfast. They don't even equal one pancake. She then proceeded to blow up at everyone in her dark path.
I know, I'm not being nice. I don't understand.

I'm frustrated today. I'm getting to a point where I'm breaking.

My head hurts.

So does my heart.

next

Well, we had the sit down. The doctor asked her questions and she was pretty upset. She insisted she does eat, she does love the foods we've seen her reject. She does ___________. There of course were lots of tears. We couldn't tell her enough that she wasn't in trouble, we were there to help her. She's not ready for help. She's in denial or she isn't ready to face it. I don't even know right now. It's daunting.

I emailed a therapist already, we let her know that she can look around, too. This isn't a one stop shop. She can find the one that's right for her.

Is this where the healing begins of the manipulation becomes more masterful? Now she has a team of people watching, not just us. She has her doctors. We have to let her friends parents know. We need to let the school know. People have to keep an eye on her eating. 

Her doc thinks she should "get out of the cheerleading culture", to stop furthering the ideas. That's a conundrum. I feel like it's a healthy activity, overall. I did it for years, I know it has benefits. I know that she will do it in or out of the sport. So, in therapy we can and she can discuss that. There isn't any until winter, so that kind of take care of itself for three months. 

--

While I was writing this I got an email back from the therapist. We're talking next Wednesday. She's out of the country. Sigh. Long road ahead. 

[title]

You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin

----

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

It's less than two hours to her appointment. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I've started and stopped this so many times. I'm feeling like I can't get all my feelings out, maybe I can't understand all of them clearly.

I want to fix it.

I want to make her eat.

I don't want to break her.

I don't want to hurt her.

I don't want to have created this. 

I have rational fears, yet I know that this is hear thing. Does this make sense? 

I just don't want her to hate me.

ps- a few asked on another post (a friend posted about this since she's awesome) and through friends how to DM or contact me personally. Leave your contact info and I will add you on twitter. Thanks.

. . .

Today we visit the doctor with her. My stomach is in knots. I hate the thought of hurting her, or of her feeling betrayed. I know it's for the greater good. In my head and heart I know it's for the best. We have good days. We have so many bad days. We have moments of hope. It's time to let the healing begin.

commenting issue

To clear up confusion ... when is says "no comments" it doesn't mean you can't comment, it simply means that the entry had no comments. Hover over it or click on it.

thanks.

frick n frack

A dear person shared our story and I can't thank her enough. I feel so alone at times, yet I know she's there. I know I have more support and I will as we share the story. I can only share so much until the meet with family/doctor. That's next week. 

While I realize some of you may put two and two together. You may even realize who I am in my real walk of life, respect my daughter's privacy. Speak to me. Text me. Friend me. DM me. Leave her alone. It's her stuff. If and when she's ready to face it or talk about it, she will. This is my forum to discuss. Or I'll break. 

long time

Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?


I had a full blown panic attack. It had been a long time since that happened. Years probably. I have moments where my heart races or where I feel walls closing in. I haven't had to stop, breathe, leave where I was in a long time. I haven't had to take a Xanax in quite a while. I've taken them preemptively, to prevent them. I guess that is needing them. I try not to rely on them.
This was full blown, my face was numb. I had to leave a public place. I was texting a wonderful friend who talked me through everything. Thank you.

I think it's all catching up. We don't have family support. We have friends, but I don't want to expose too much of her story if she isn't ready. On the other hand we need our support system to help watch her when she isn't around us. How many sides does that sword have?

This weekend calls for baking and cooking. These, along with writing, are my outlets. I have a few freelance projects that are due. I need the therapy. Cookies will be piling up here, maybe breads. Yes, it's therapeutic. I wish I could send all of you treats.

down in it

(I know I haven't shared with a lot of people, but is commenting not a thing? I need feedback.)


I kind of expected her to be all over the board and she is. Emotions are up and down, tears flow frequently. The therapist I want her to see isn't available for a few more weeks. Frustration. She is struggling more than she leads on with middle school I fear. She's so sensitive. I often tell her to get over it and move on. I coddled her for so long, but she's a cancer, if you believe in that, so a sensitive soul.
Last night she asked for homemade cream of chicken soup and ate a few bites.

She's starting to layer her clothes more. She wore leggings, a skirt, tank, shirt and jacket today. So many clothes for such a little body. I took her to Dunkin Donuts yesterday and she ate a donut. I know, she ate crap that I don't want her to eat, but she ate. It's a double edged sword. I can't win. We want her to eat but letting her eat pure crap is another story. It's so hard. Not that I ever thought it would be easy, but this, this is hard.

Some of the advice that I have received ... that's the best.  Another day, another post.

Hands

Today was a strange day all around. I'm stuck with this cold, which makes me uber emotional. Tidbit for you, I had the nickname "em" for a majority of my life.  Why? I wasn't emotional and when I was it was so over the top. Emotional, Emotions, etc became em. 

Okay, a good friend had a big surgery today. Good vibes to her.

My weird interaction. 

Let me put this out there. I'm not religious. At all. I'm agnostic. I believe that you're entitled to your beliefs and people should be allowed to live as they'd like. Do I believe in a higher power? I don't know that there isn't one. We don't ban religion in the casa, one believes in god, one believes in evolution. She's a scientist. (She's the one going through the stuff I'm writing about)

I digress, today someone wanted to take her to youth group, all you can eat/eating contest at chick-fil-a, and to a church retreat. None of this is in her wheelhouse. The social aspect, yes. She wants to be part of something. We all did, we all do. I get it.  She doesn't want to go. Obviously the eating contest wasn't a shock. The rest though, she said she isn't into it because of the religious aspect.  

Ahhh back to my point. I'm sorry I keep getting distracted.

The leader that invited her, told me even if we don't partake, she'll pray for us.  

Sigh. 

She will pray we find faith and find our way.

Our way or their way?

I have faith. I have faith that I love and that I am loved. I have faith that I am a kind, caring, human that does good things. I have faith that I surround myself with like people.  

It's offensive to me that because I don't practice your religion, in your house of worship, you'll pray for my soul to be saved. 

I don't understand it, I'm sorry. 

She's well intentioned, I'm quite sure but the message was delivered in a broken manner.

Eating today was just terrible. She has a sore throat and stuffy nose. Common with purging. Also with her allergies.  I don't know what symptom goes in which box these days. I'm over waiting for the doc to call back. I'm not good at waiting when it's my kid. I'll call again tomorrow about other behaviors. 

That's all for now. This entry will bother me later, it's so unorganized. 

tidbits

That's what she's eating again ... she begged for pumpkin pancakes and ate part of one.

I noticed this was I've become aware of what we're dealing with, in this disorder. She talks a lot at dinner, as if to distract us from the fact she isn't eating. She also talks with her hands all through dinner. She's so expressive. Filling our heads with the activities of her day. We don't have time to see, as our plates are empty, hers is full. Then it's time to rush off to do homework, showers, whatever we have planned. These manipulations and tricks are pretty smart for just a tiny little twelve year old.

I think there is a light at the end of this very, very, very dark tunnel. She's such a bright light, I wish she saw it in herself.

control

Please tell mom it's not her fault.

I don't even know where to begin the update. Friday I was thrown for a loop after a series of DMs. a person, I thought I could rely on said the following after I asked for advice. (she's a nurse, that's why I asked, pediatric on at that)
Context - I had made it clear that I was asking for my child, my daughter, that we are seeking help, but asking what I do to be supportive in the meantime. Her advice.

But she needs to get herself to a shrink, stat

Also possibly the parents

Since I'm guessing they are somewhat responsible 

So that was that. After the doctors made it clear this isn't our fault, it is.

I'll get back to that later. 

The doctor called Friday night. There is nothing in her blood work in indicate all the issues she has with weight loss. She has an eating disorder. We need to circle the wagons. We need to get together on the same page and confront her and the issue. The plan, for now, is to meet in two weeks, with our options for nutritionists and therapists. Giving it two weeks to see if she loses any more weight. If there are any more issues prior, we can meet bore then.

Like her obsession with that others eat and telling us at dinner? Exercising at night when she should be sleeping? Yeah, those are new developments. I'll be calling tomorrow. Still on the hunt for a good book on this. sigh.

amperstand

I can't place a feeling on how I feel. Sad? Mad? Confused? Probably all of that and more. I have a good friend who confided in me about her struggles. She told me that in hindsight, she was most remorseful about what it did to her family. She doesn't blame herself, as she knows she has no control over it. What do I want to do? Ask her why.  Tell her she's perfectly fine the way she is. Tell her that imperfections shape us. Tell her not to stress.

It doesn't mater what I say. She has to believe it. She has to see this in herself.

She probably doesn't even fully grasp why.

I can't blame myself, but I can ask myself, did I do anything to cause this? Do I put too much pressure on her? Do I ask too much of her? Am I too demanding? I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Is that an excuse? No.

We all have a lot of issues, how we deal with them is your own choice.

As hard as I'll try not to, I'm sure at some point I'll blame my husband. I'll blame myself. I'll blame everyone around. The stress of it all will envelop us. As a family we have to take this on and not let is consume us, but strengthen us.

I'm human, human, I have faults.

thump

I have a call in to the doctor, should know something by the end of the day. *fingers crossed*

Yesterday wasn't as good as the day before. She didn't eat breakfast, lunch and picked at dinner. She said dinner, stuffed peppers, her request, was too filling. She had a game so you think she'd be hungry, but no, she wasn't.  I couldn't and didn't push. She wasn't feeling well as the night progressed, so we cuddled a little bit and she did have a few potato chips. I mean it is what it is, and pushing is detrimental at this stage. It probably is at any stage. I don't have the tools and I may not at any point. All I can do right now is what I've always done love and accept her.

She's home from school today, (they both are actually sniffles and sore throats), I just want to cuddle and watch Netflix. Sadly, our French Bulldog took that duty. I have a Pug asleep on my legs instead. I hope, if nothing else, she feels and knows how loved she is.

The little things.

I don't care if it hurts

I want to have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

Still no test results and our doctor is out of the office on Thursdays. Ugh.

Another day down, but it was a successful one. She ate today without pushing and without a fight. I realize that we'll have more bad days than good days, but I relish the good. 

I had a wonderful talk tonight with a friend. She's known her since she was four. She can't believe all this is going on. Neither can I, but it is. She's the first person I let in that's here, in my life. I don't want to share until we know details of treatment. Also, it's her life and we're at the point where she has the call on what to share and what not to. I still need a friend though. One of her daughters is in Ps class, the other in going through her own stuff. The talk was perfect. 

After all of that, I came home and we just cuddled. It was delightful. She held my hand and covered me in kisses. Inside my heart is crumbling. Today was such a positive day, I know they aren't all like this. I'm taking today as a win.

Late at night

I usually sleep quite well. Not even a drug induced sleep, just a sound sleep on my own. Last night I had one of the most erratic nights of sleep I've had in years. Probably since the kids slept through the night. I can't let this consume me, as I can't control it. I need to look for a good book to download. I don't want her to feel bad also we aren't talking about it yet. It's a lot. A lot to digest. A lot to think about. A lot to deal with for all of us.

Stage negative one

The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part

Waiting for the call for the next step and how to proceed. We need to see her iron levels, if she's been using laxatives, other drugs, anything else blood may show. Then it begins.

We have to sit down with her, confront her, and tell her it's in our hands now. With a nutritionist and therapist. (we've seen a doctor but I'll get into,that later. It was the initial diagnosis, but we didn't confront her for several reasons.) Her dad and sister will be a part of this, we'll all be on board. We all will help her understand her value and self worth. It's the waiting to say, "we love you, we adore you, we think you're perfect being you!" I want to tell her mistakes are human, I make them every single day. Mistakes help you learn and grow. You're a tiny, twelve year old human, you have time to carve out your path. It's her path to carve, I can only hold her hand when she asks me.

bricks

I can't say it was out of nowhere. I saw it all coming. I mean, I was watching for a bit. When it comes to fruition, it really stings though. I can't imagine how she feels though and what's driving her to do this.

My gorgeous, stunning amazing, twelve year old has an eating disorder. She's still in denial, though the doctors disagree. We can't discuss some things with her, possible triggers, as we could "lose her" or "push her away". I understand this, yet I want to shake her and scream. From reading I get the logistical why and how. As her mom I can't even wrap my head around it.
On our side, we have amazing resources, support, amazing doctors and we are getting her help young.

Truth? I'm scared. I love her more than anything in the world. I want to help her in anyway I can.

I hope to update and get it all out here, while respecting her privacy.