the funny thing ...

The funny thing is when people try to help you get a lot of so called advice that really isn't helpful. Friends, or well meaning advice given by those who think they're helping, can say harmful things. I've started a collection of things I like to call "Things not to say to the parent of someone with an eating disorder."

"She's already so thin, WHY?" (She wanted the totally sunken cheeks)

"Were normal diets not working?" (I guess not. You figured out the riddle after all these years."

"She doesn't look like someone who would do that to herself." (what does that person look like, explain.)

"Why did her parents do/you do to cause that?" (well, aside from the abuse? Not much.)

"Are you sure this isn't a phase for attention?" (that must be it we totally ignore her.)

"Just make them eat, you are the parent." (I wish I'd thought of that, thanks!)

"They look so sick, just fix it." Oh, okay, will do!)

"I wish I had her willpower, I sure could lose a few pounds." (no, no you don't. That's the worst one to say possibly. My kid is starving herself and purging, it's not willpower, it's a disease)

"I've seen them eat recently, I'm sure it's fine." (You did? I guess we're all wrong!")

"They look great though." (bony and emaciated is great?)

"Are you sure?" (yes, that's what the doctor's evaluation was for)

"At least you caught it early." (did we? I don't know.)

Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I would fix it if I could. If I could make her eat I would. If I could make her stop purging I would. I'm her mom, she's part of my flesh, blood and soul. I'd give my life for her. I would take away her pain and help her figure out all of this. In a flash.

I know enough to know not to blame myself. It doesn't mean I don't at times. I know enough to know that she's finding one thing she can control. I also know that unless you also are the parent of a child who has experienced this, you don't have words for me.

I appreciate those of you who are there. Those who don't fill me up with false hope. Those who are just there.


While all of these are well-meaning,  I do find comfort in your words. I'm just a different breed. I like it black and white.  I don't want the sugarcoating. Just keep it simple and listen to me. Tell me you're here and that you care, if you do that is. I have my moments where I do really need people.

progress?

We met with the her therapist today and she cried quite a bit. She admitted a few of the stress causing situations that may lead to some of the behaviors. There's a group of "mean" girls she was friends with and quit hanging out with them, on her own. She didn't want to be a mean girl. It eats at her that she can't change them into "nice" girls. We had a discussion about controlling her situation and herself. She can't control the entire world, only her reaction to the assholes IN the world. She also stresses about grades so much, to the point that I wish she didn't know what her grade are.

As of right now she has an evaluation at the ED clinic mid-dec. Her Doc will try and get her in earlier, but it doesn't look promising.

Kids in crisis is such a funny term. Crisis has no timeline. Crisis has a different meaning for everyone. I guess her crisis can wait a few weeks.

My concern is the holiday. The stress of finals and the holiday. I feel like these will be triggers. She's in "limbo" though because of her age and she isn't "too far along". So she should be starving before we take action? There aren't a lot of options for her age, either.

I'm frustrated.

it gets worse

My phone rang. I thought it was innocent enough. It was someone from the school. Someone who didn't know the situation.
Someone who didn't know about the ED.
We'd only let one person in at this point. We told her we trusted her to handle lunch. Sigh. Well, the staff member was worried because she wasn't eating during lunch. (she has her on lunch duty) When she does eat, she only picks.
Sigh
I told her the situation, it all came to light. Now the important staff is in the know. No more excuses. No more "they made me go outside and I couldn't finish" stories. I knew this was a bunch of hooey. I had a call into the school, oddly enough.
When I went to the school to talk in person, to the one who knew, I ran into a few other staff members. I let them know, though they'll have a meeting with the other person I spoke with today. She will be monitored. She won't be rushed.
I was also informed she almost passed out the other day. A teacher saw her get dizzy and grab the wall and a railing to steady herself. Sigh. Next time, don't hold off on telling me.

She looks sick, as a friend let me know others have asked her if she's ill. Her face is breaking out, her hair is greasy and stringy. She's so thin and bony.

I can't make her eat. It's not my disease. I feel so lost in this.

sigh.

I know I need to talk to someone, too.

I need to help her first, though.

breaking

Tuesday was the worst day so far. She mad an epic meltdown. Screaming, yelling, crying. She hates me. I love the dogs more than I love her. She was throwing things. Kicking. Punching. Hitting. Sigh. It was so ugly. I was at a total loss. I wanted to call her therapist, but I was so stuck in the moment. I did get a small video clip for her therapist so she could see the levels of the anger. I was scared for my child. I didn't know if she was going to hurt herself or someone else. I had a phone in my hand to call - who I didn't know.

Now ask why.

Why did this happen?

I asked her to put dishes away.

Why did it really happen though?

She ate Sunday and she ate well. She's upset and needs to punish herself. I get it, I get the disease. I can't fix this, only she can work on fixing it.

It IS a disease. It's like any disease, she can't just fix it overnight. She can't just stop. She can't just fix it. Like a drug addict, she needs this. This is her addiction, this is her disease. I don't see the healing beginning.

My husband said, "She just wanted to get out of doing something." Sigh. No, I don't feel like that was it. There are times I feel like he doesn't comprehend the levels this impacts her. Us. He has no experience, so why would he?

Family counsling won't happen until she is a bit more secure. Trust me, that IS the best right now. This is the best route. We don't need her trust breached. We need her in control. Or at least thinking she is.

Wow, I guess I had a lot of feelings today.

stuck

I start to write a post and I stop. I have a million feelings and I can't always translate here. I just freeze.
She's becoming more and more emotional. A lot of anger is coming through. She's refusing outlets, though she did ask to do one activity at school. Long gone are the days of sewing, duct tape and all her there favorites. I'm not hearing about her friends as often and when I do she seems to be unhappy with them. Her best friend she has had forever isn't around a lot. The last time we saw her it seemed strained. The girls are school she was hanging out with are "mean" girls. She said they do things like laugh when people get questions wrong. She doesn't want to deal with that. I don't know if she's alienating herself or if it's that bad. The other one didn't and doesn't have these issues. I'm not comparing them I'm just pointing it out. I don't get it. She won't talk to me so I don't know if I'll ever know the truth. It kind of pisses me off. It's destructive behavior and I have no idea what to do for her. She's in therapy. She has support. What else can I do?
As for eating ... not much has changed.

I can't

I can't get it out any more. I can't express how I feel anymore. Now I'm blocked. She's still so tiny. She's still so thin. She's still pushing every boundary. Anger is alright, I get that. You know what? I'm also angry. I'm angry she's doing this to herself. She is stressed, she does have stuff going on, so do other kids. So do I. So does her father. So does her sister. That's no excuse not to eat and abuse your body and hurt yourself. I "get" she doesn't know how to express it differently. I get she's learning. I still need to express my emotions. ugh.
The road, indeed, is long.

sessions

She had her first session yesterday. She fought me the whole way there. The angel cup runneth over. She told me on the way that she didn't need to go, she didn't want to go and had no desire to get help. That was fun. I took her in, had a few words about the help we wanted to get her and left. I went to a cafe, worked a little bit and she bounded in about sixty-five minutes later. She was all smiles and glee. She loved it. It was so nice to talk to someone about her stress. It was great to get it all out.

Then she came home and let loose on her sister. 

One win, one battle.

She had two helping of dinner though and breakfast yesterday. Small victories. 

order

I can't get all my thoughts in order to write, I apologize. After our meeting with the therapist we talked to her. She was devastated and angry. We called her out on her secret. We know. She can't hide this anymore. The discussion took away any dignity she felt she had. She felt stripped, you could see it in her face. The walls were eroding around her. I went to touch her and she pulled away. My husband, her dad went to hug her and she screamed, "don't touch me, leave me alone.". While I understood all of her anger, it hurt me to watch. I know this is for her own good, but she feels so betrayed.

She still isn't eating breakfast, lying about how much lunch she's eating, picking at dinner. So she wants control. Therapy starts tomorrow. She has her sessions alone. I'll check in with the therapist, she'll feel in control. She is, to some degree.

I really hate this part.